Manfulness and the Digital Diaspora

An introduction to my new book, it's focus, and the journey to where we are in a world that wants to censor journeys.

The issue of men's mental health and the role of so-called toxic masculinity has been getting a lot of attention over the last decade, and rightly so. The more publicity the numbers get, the more obvious it is that we have a lot of work to do to tackle a very pervasive issue. However, I keep seeing the same kind of posts about “getting men to talk more”, and I think this idea, although well-intentioned, is misguided.

Instead of focusing on the surface-level problem of men not talking we need to flip the narrative and ask all of us to be better listeners with a more open-minded approach to support. When we dig much deeper and look at the journeys that lead all people to where they are and why they don't always want to speak up, you’ll find a lot of uncomfortable truths.

This isn’t about talking more; it's about understanding the complexities of being human in today's world and helping people find ways to voice their fears, and cope with them.

I'm not a fan of trading binaries or the idea that you're either talking or not or that you're an existentialist or a transcendentalist. Life is more complicated than that, and sometimes, the pressure to talk is counterproductive to the mission because many humans (not just men) will talk if we know how to listen without judgement or reprisal.

Technology and Manfulness

Over the last 18 months I’ve been working on a new book looking at how technology should be used to solve genuine human problems, and inspire more meaningful conversations. During my research I tripped over some astonishing feedback that really derailed where I was heading and made me pivot quite significantly. During my many conversations with men about health, survival and suicide I ended up discussing a lot of complex attitudes about identity, and purpose, and what it means to be a man in a constantly changing world of values and attitudes.

For many, what is perceived to be acceptable today is unacceptable tomorrow and it is causing huge internal and external friction and conflict.

That ended up being the organising idea for many of the outcomes in the book; What is mans identity in the ever-changing landscape? Why do some in the very worst of scenarios cope, while some with more solvable challenges check-out?

I want to caveat this by saying that in no way has my work here been somehow self-indulgent or unapologetic about the sins of the patriarchy. The opposite in fact. What’s become clear to me is that to move things forward we need to understand both the past, the present and then define the future we want to see. This isn’t about talking more, it’s about listening better. I listened.

Men 2.0: The Internet Rebrand

You don't have to dig around very far to find that the Internet is awash with ambiguity and confusion about creating a new, more superficial identity for men. I'm not saying it's a bad idea, but it can be a perilous one because it creates even more stigma by casually skipping over where our behaviour comes from in the first place. It's even more terrifying how quickly "expert" opinions get amplified online, shared as fact, and it becomes the only true direction. Before we know it, a trope becomes a campaign, a billboard, and a LinkedIn post telling us to open up and that leaders need to behave in more fragile ways. But that's not who we are or what we often believe.

It’s good for likes, claps and clicks, but is it really good for people?

Identity is a complex concept because it involves many different aspects of a person's being. A person's identity is made up of their beliefs, values, experiences, relationships, and cultural background. It is also constantly changing as we grow and develop. These factors make identity challenging to understand and define. It also makes it difficult to pinpoint solutions to the problems we all face together.

Moving forward by looking back

In the parts of the book exploring identity, I look at how systems of aggression, violence, and patriarchy affect our identity and our relationships with others. Let me be clear; No one is born "toxic" and unable to communicate or ask for help. We are shaped by our experiences, the messages we see, and the people we meet. It is essential to understand what makes us who we are, not cast a negative light and gaslight us, or assert a template of behaviour on the masses. If men aren't talking, there is a reason for it.

Being a man in today's world is a lot like living in a nation with a dictatorial government. In this nation called "Man", the patriarchy is the oppressive government regime that dominates everyone regardless of class or background. From the outside, other regimes assume all the citizens in the nation of "Man" must be subservient to that regime and agree with their policies. In reality, most are just too scared or unable to speak up. We must remember that, as with any complex nation, many smaller communities within it are struggling to be heard or find their voice. Or communities that simply don't want to be heard, because when the regime at the top feels threatened or weakened in some way, these despots respond with violence and aggression to protect their perceived power.

One of my learnings is that the silent communities in any oppressive regime often feel like they’re the easy targets of external assault, because they’re less inclined to put up a fight. It drives a lot of them up the funnel into extremism and often they become radicalised to agree with the despots that oppress them, and the very thing we’re trying to recast.

The nation of "Man" is often based on a belief system that may be outdated but is often still recognised by many who refuse to see the flaws. Trying to homogenise every community of the nation and every member of the nation carries a considerable risk of universal repeal and even regime change to another ideology equally as powerful and equally as unfair.

Driving through this nation of "Man" has been a fascinating journey because it made me think heavily about identity, not just the internal kind but also how men identify with each other and with other groups of people both off-line and now more than ever in the online virtual states and communities. Who are these people, and when they are displaced from that nation, where do they go to seek refuge and asylum?

What happens to the digital diaspora who left their identity involuntarily and found themselves in foreign territories online?

The Descent of Man

During childhood, we start to figure out who we are and what we want to become. But in a world where everyone online seems the same, figuring out your identity can be challenging and isolating. With social media and the Internet dominating our interactions, it can feel like everyone is putting on a perfect version of themselves or that our beliefs are not valued if they don't fit into the loudest ideology. In these groups of men, we see the highest divorce rates, debt figures, gambling and alcohol-related issues, and ultimately the unfortunate fatality rates.

It's become tough to figure out what makes us unique and who we want to become. Finding other people who share our values and experiences can also be challenging, leaving us disconnected and often very alone in a connected world. Discovering our true identity and tribe can also be very empowering and liberating; it can help us connect with others on a deeper level and build a more directed and fulfilling life. I found some incredible examples of men grouping together to support and save each other, which I'll share stories of in the book.

But in that gravitational phenomenon, I also discovered some of the uncomfortable truths about the Internet and how isolated groups of young men are also pulled towards places where extreme views are formed and encouraged when they are starting to figure out who they want to be. They can be led into the antechamber and towards the echo chamber of opinions that are difficult to back away from. They're often pushed that way because like a great deal of things at the moment, we're creating a counter-culture without even having the right story to begin with.

Antechambers and echo chambers

When we talk about who's being identified by whom, how our systems of identity are constructed, and who we should be, many men don't want to be defined. They know they're male, they know they feel masculine, and they know what they are, but they don't know who they are yet, and this is when they are at their most vulnerable. On the flip side, I found groups who have found their identity but are struggling to understand if their feelings are acceptable in today's society because, at every turn, they're faced with the mob telling them they're wrong.

This feels like a pretty good place to start when trying to solve the issues inherent in society's view of men; Instead of trying to figure out who the perfect man is and how they should be communicating, we should be telling everyone to be themselves and have each other's backs, and let us make mistakes.

What should be important to us all are our beliefs, our sexuality, and our class — all the things that affect how the world responds to us. We need to teach young boys and men how to live comfortably with themselves and stop telling them they have to behave like someone they don't want to be.

The Digital Tripartite

On this slightly unusual path, I also learned a lot about my own journey and views. As a dad, your sense of identity changes when you have a child with someone and stop being who you are and become something else. And it's not just biological either; I've had conversations with men who inherited someone else's family and gay couples who adopted or had children by surrogacy.

The point is that when we become dads, we join a tripartite where we're now a father, a son and often a grandson. I'm interested in how we inherit things like behaviour patterns, gender roles, and even attitudes to violence. How do we learn where violence is okay and where it's not? Where do our attitudes towards women and authority come from? How has the Internet amplified both good and bad attitudes? And how can we disrupt this inheritance and refuse the things we don't want to pass down? I mean inheritance both in a social sense and also genetically. Are the traumas we suffer as children passed through the lines of inheritance, and can we cure those traumas before they pass along?

A lot of the journey for the book has been driven by the relationship I have with my son because when I became a dad, the first year or two was about figuring out who I was and what I wanted to pass down to him. You have to take a hard look at your upbringing, how your dad did things, and how your mom did things. And I think we all change the template we inherit. The idea is not to create perfection but to try to fix the problems of your family once you have enough life under your belt to learn what went well and what went badly. And I think that's what everyone does, generation by generation.

Humans are designed to screw things up and get things wrong. But I don't think modern society gives us enough slack to do that comfortably anymore.

Also, when we become aware of how we're centred and how the self is positioned in the world, we can change the templates we inherit. But where we fit in the world is more complex than ever before because connected technology means we all live in a kind of digital diaspora now. We're always spread out from where we were born; just by being digital, we're everywhere at once. We might still live in the same country as our parents or grandparents, but we're automatically more connected to different realities, religions, and perspectives. 

How we handle all these new connections we're exposed to and how they influence us, and how we let them control the next generation is critical.

More than a hashtag

The book won't be ready for a while, but I wanted to share where I've been and why I've been there. It's also why I'm deeply committed to tearing down any "men don't talk enough" and the toxic, barbarian memes that try to wash away our heritage journeys. We need a more nuanced, data-driven approach to change, or we'll end up solving nothing and causing more harm. We're all different, and we're all shaped by chaotic forces. Our beliefs change and are influenced almost constantly.

The task of reducing mental health problems and suicide rates in men can't be solved by verbs alone. It's too simple. We have to figure out how to create coping mechanisms for life and then take those big ideas, make them smaller, more local, and put them into the heart of a family, not a boardroom. How can we assess safe spaces and embrace the male moments rather than erode them entirely?

Here's a controversial example; Where does having a 'manal' at a conference become appropriate because it allows the participants to feel more candid and supported and able to give the audience gets a more authentic experience? We're not asking those questions, we’re cancelling all versions of a thing thats clearly not right in todays world.

We are all part of a generation of digital colonialism — spreading out and influencing and being influenced. And that changes all our attitudes toward the past and the future. It's scary and intimidating. Maybe men aren't taking their lives in record numbers because we don't talk enough; maybe it's because we're exposed to so much noise that we're in a constant state of overload. Exploring these links between generations, the past, the present, our digital selves, and the future, and showing the cause and effect between these things, is the most essential way to find solutions to the problems we face.

Influencing positive change

When we look at the key factors contributing to a man's health and well-being, we can usually boil it down to three key themes: coherence, comprehensibility, and manageability.

Coherence is a person's ability to make sense of their experiences and the world around them. To know when they should be themselves and authentic vs when they need to be aware that they create intimidation, annoyance and avoidance.

Comprehensibility is understanding the causes and consequences of life events and how we affect them and those around us.

Finally, manageability is arming us with the belief that we have the resources and abilities to handle the challenges we face.

I’m going to start making my point that using technology to help us all understand our journeys, identity and attitudes, and starting here is a much healthier place to go than the simple "Talk More" message.

We're all characters

Just to conclude this little introduction to some of the things I'll be writing about. On this accidental journey through very important (and probably controversial) places I found myself in the company of some really complex men in a highly politicised world, and I was hearing a very similar thing; We don't feel like we belong here.

I’ve talked to soldiers, professional athletes, prisoners, CEOs and carpet-fitters. I’ve spent time with the men who collect your wheelie-bins and thanklessly fix your sewers. I’ve walked through the night with young men getting to football matches so they can be in a safe space for 90 minutes… and I’ve gone to the darkest corners of the internet to find answers to complex challenges.

The reaction to that feeling of isolation can be incredibly violent in so many ways.

What’s also become apparent to me is that we’re all part of the solution because we’re all part of the problem. Men and women from every background are all born with history and raised among other flawed humans. We’ve always inherited our fallacy from these rich histories, but now we’ve thrown in a new set of ingredients; Technology and Fast Opinions. It’s not solving anything, it’s making it a lot worse than ever before.

One of the joys of meeting and talking to such a range of people was like sitting down to a meaty meal. It's taken me a long time to chew it all up and digest it, and very soon, I'll be ready to share it with the world once the world is ready to read it.

It's about paying attention to the world and engaging critically and thoughtfully. That's really the idea behind what I set out to do. I never sat with anyone and thought, "your views are awful or old-fashioned." I sat with them and listened to how they were raised and how they coped with life and its challenges. And I tried to find opportunities in all the different views.

This became the core tenant of where I've gone with this. I've approached it as a human being having a human experience in the human world, trying not to get too caught up in the medical or in rubrics or in the psychological because those things end up being reductive. They minimise the ambition of being human — which is to be complicated. A good life offers complications. It wants complication, and it doesn't want simplification or redundancy. Our journey is learning to cope with complexity and embrace it, not boiling it down to simple tropes like 'talk more'.

Buckle up. I’m going to take you on a very bumpy ride to a better place.

“Manfulness: From Prison To Presenteeism” will be published in 2023.